Comic Gold: Captain America No. 7

Today's cover of Captain America has the new Captain America, Sam Wilson, punching the old (and by old I mean both former and geriatric) Captian America in the face. Simply amazing.

Music Dump: A Dream I Can't Recall

The Wonder Years have yet to release an album that touches the greatness that is Suburbia I've Given You All and Now I'm Nothing, but they've come damn close, and they're definitely still making some of the greatest tunes they're genre has to offer. The Greatest Generation gave us a song that should be broadcast into space, so aliens know what it feels like to be awkward and nervous. I'm of course talking about "There, There" which still affects me the same way even after the 999th listen.

"Stained Glass Celings" Feat. Jason Aalon Butler of Letlive continues lead singer Soupy's deconstruction of the American Dream and his disillusionment and dissonance from the subsequent realization that it might not be everything that we were taught to believe it was. At least not for everyone.

http://genius.com/The-wonder-years-stained-glass-ceilings-lyrics

Of course, this is breaking news to no one who lives in reality, but if you're not convinced:

http://www.complex.com/life/2016/03/nixon-advisor-war-on-drugs

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/oct/27/south-carolina-officer-no-criminal-charges-zachary-hammond

https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-college-debt

But of course there are uplifting things happening in the world today, but ill save that for a rainy day.

Comic Gold: WonderCon 2016

These photos from Comingsoon.net's coverage of WonderCon 2016 feature a fuckin siiick Iron Fist cosplay:

For more pics head over to www.comingsoon.net/

Comic Gold: Super Boners

Batman V Superman V What the Actual Fuck?: The Battle for Cohesion

Arrgh! Thar be spoilers here!

When reviewing a gargantuan, tent pole, superhero epic extravaganza like Batman V Superman one cannot simply describe it as a good or bad movie. It seems pointless. Whether it has enough merit to find a spot in the canon of great American movies no longer matters. It's too big to fail. It's now a huge, hefty slice of pop culture pie. Whether that pie comes with a warm, steamy mound of shit piled on top of it is irrelevant. Eat around it. BVS is not a good movie. It's not necessarily a bad movie either. It spends most of its time being an entertaining mess, another huge chunk of time being a slow-trotting bore, and a very, very small amount of time as an actual affecting and exciting superhero epic. It all amounts to complete chaos. The chaos stems from many things, but at its core the movie's biggest problems seem to be a clear lack of character motive and complete lack of focus. What is the point of this movie? Basically it's to see Batman beat the hell out of Superman. It's the fan service of the decade. We've all heard the Batman vs. Superman debate before: "Superman would wipe the floor with Batman." "No way. Batman's a strategist. He'd never go into a fight without a way to blah blah blah." But why though? Why are the good guys fighting each other? The movie would have you believe that Batman has a grudge against Superman. Superman, having destroyed Wayne Tower in Metropolis during his fight with Zod, cannot be trusted with the power he wields. He's careless and impartial and how long before he turns on us mere mortals. If memory serves me, these are the reasons Lex Luthor, Superman's arch-enemy doesn't trust him. And while this seems rational to someone who saw the destruction of Metropolis firsthand, or viewers who watched Man of Steel for that matter, the movie shows Batman taking on Superman with the same carelessness and impartiality. Seriously, Batman kills so many people in this movie, and while not on the same scale, he destroys a large part of his city. It seems this movie got the "show don't tell" adage completely backwards. It's told us Batman is a compassionate hero worried for the safety of the planet and then shown us that he's just a cruel, jealous man who doesn't like knowing there's a face he can't punch into submission out breaking his things. Has The Dark Knight taught us nothing about the heroes we deserve? And then we have Superman who's all "Batman, stop helping people. Only I can do that." Broody face. Come on. Again the movie tells us that Superman is this hero taught the goodness of man by his parents who is striving to achieve that goodness by saving kittens from trees and all that, but it only shows us a lame, scowling hypocrite who apparently likes to jump into baths fully clothed (why do movies continue to do this?). And why must Superman be so dark? Batman's got broodiness covered in spades. And when the two finally throw down I have to say it really is impressive. Snyder actually visualizes some solid fight sequences in this movie. And while I'm not sure I agree with the culmination of the fight (Batman about to impale Superman with a kryptonite spear), the preceding slugfest was quite enjoyable. So now that the fanboy's and fangirl's wet dream of Batman standing over Superman in complete victory is realized why does Batman rescind the killing blow and decide not to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight bathed in Superman's blood? Well essentially because "Dude? Your mom's names Martha!? My mom's names Martha! Let's be bros!" And then they team up with a hot chick and beat up the biggest and baddest dude on the playground. It seems no one making this movie was aware of how ridiculous it all is. Maybe they were all too busy jacking off to the script to notice, but with a movie this absurd perhaps the tone should've been a lot lighter. Instead it's a lesson in let’s see how serious we can be.

Batman V Superman's problem isn't that it has no heart; the problem is it has three. The movie is splitting it's time between three different movies. That's the real war here: The Batman movie vs. the Superman movie vs. the Justice League origins movie. First we have the Batman movie: a dark and gritty movie that follows the psychological trauma of a man who's spent the majority of his life waging a one man war on crime. This is the movie we needed, but I guess not the one we deserved. The Batman fight scenes are incredible. Still focusing on close quarter combat and theatrics, but now with some added wall-crawling which was both strange and fascinating. Basically, if you loved the fights in the Batman: Arkham series you'll at least get some enjoyment out of these scenes. The Superman movie focuses on a Metropolis dealing with the aftermath of the alien attack and Superman's omniscient presence. It tries to be an inspirational and elevating movie that deals with the goodness of man and the price of heroism but ultimately ends up falling flat in the dirt from boredom. Superman and Lois Lane's relationship is tedious and strained. And Henry Cavill's Superman seems to be lacking in the qualities I've come to expect in a Superman/Clark Kent. I know, I know. This is biased, but he's an all-powerful savior figure from humble beginnings who just wants humanity to get along (no, not that guy). Where's the folksy, aw-shucksisms of Clark Kent? Where's the calm, gracious, and accommodating Superman, always giving humanity something to strive for? Henry Cavill's Superman always just seems so troubled by his role as protector of mankind. Granted this would make for a very interesting take on the Superman mythology, but the movie doesn't go there. And then there's the Justice League origin movie that completely squanders the perfectly cast Gal Gadot and brings DC's trinity together in the most haphazard and convoluted way possible. And when they finally get together at the end, the movie suddenly becomes a video game complete with a final boss battle and brightly colored exploding energy bursts.

So how does one find redemption in a movie lacking a solid purpose and missing any kind of sound logic or focus? I guess we could begin with the performances. The most anticipated performance comes from the newest to don the bat tights: Ben Affleck. The one thing Ben Affleck brings to the party that I don't think has been portrayed in a Batman yet is a sense of weariness (Christian Bale gave it a shot in The Dark Knight Rises, but I don't think he quite pulled it off). At this point in Batman's career he's seen some things, and that really shines through in Affleck's performance. Plus he's super jacked. The second hotly anticipated performance and mentioned previously is Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman. Again, perfect. She's strong and elegant and wildly underused. Amy Adams phones it in. Henry Cavill is a scowling bore. Jeremy Irons is perfectly sarcastic as Alfred. And then there's Jesse Eisenberg. At first I wasn't quite sold on Eisenberg's portrayal of Lex Luthor. All of his twitches and mannerisms were a bit much at first, but there's a scene about a third or so through the movie that totally got me on board. The scene in question has Eisenberg delivering a speech in front of a crowd of people. He uses some of his acting quirks to deliver one of the best comedic scenes I've seen in a movie all year. Even as the performance is delegated to background noise as Bruce Wayne begins his very serious infiltration of LexCorp, you can still here bits and pieces, and it's hilarious. This may sound like an overstatement, but Eisenberg's Lex Luthor is both the saving grace of the film and the best performance of his career (sorry Zuckerberg). All hail Jesse Eisenber's Lex Luthor in all its cooing glory. Don't think I don't see the irony of the villain in a superhero movie being the savior of it. Perhaps interesting villains are what DC has, besides ultra grimdarkness, that separates them from Marvel and may one day edge them out into the lead of the superhero movie race. DC has had a rich history with portrayals of their rogues' gallery. I mean batman movies alone are a whole other article. DC's got a whole movie dedicated to them coming out in a few months. Marvel has Loki.

It's never too hard to find at least one thing to like or something halfway interesting about a big superhero movie release. With over 60 years of comic history to rifle through, it's hard not to at least get one thing right. How can you not marvel at these larger-than-life characters being brought to light in new and different ways. Even Green Lantern, which holds a 26% on Rotten Tomatoes and a 39% on Metacritic and pretty much sank Ryan Reynolds career (say thank you, Deadpool), made 170 million dollars in profit. Sometimes you have to reconcile your own expectations and learn to love the one you got. Or you can always just talk shit about them online. Anyway here's sad Affleck:

http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2016/03/30/superman-and-the-damage-done

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/how-superhero-movies-became-too-big-to-fail-20160328

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We Will Never Be Rid of These Stars

First we ended last year with the loss of one of the rawest and purest voices in hard rock music. A whiskey-swilling guitar god sent to this earthly plane to weed out the weak from the strong by subjecting the masses to face-melting bass riffs and liver-ravaging nights of hard drinking. I am, of course, talking about Ian Fraser Kilmister, better known as "Lemmy." If there was a totem pole carved to represent the musicians dedicated to the Rock 'n' Roll lifestyle, Lemmy would be right up there with Keith Moon and Ozzy. With Lemmy's death leaving rock music a sadder and lonelier party than it already was (I'm talking New Year's Eve, drinking alone with the cat, passing out before midnight type party), we entered the new year with minimal amounts of optimism. But soon we were gifted with a light from above: a new album by David Bowie released on the day of his 69th birthday. Oh, sweet joy in heaven! If the Rock 'n' Roll metaphor left off at our forever alone New Year's Eve party, it just became a fuck-it-all-lets-get-shitfaced birthday celebration. The album, stylized as ★, is quite remarkable. A 41 minute avant-jazz masterpiece. Hands down the best thing Bowie's put out in 2 decades. But, alas, the album's release was followed two days later by another punch to the gut: the departure of David Bowie from this earthly plane back to his celestial home amongst the stars. The Starman is now waiting in the sky; he blew our minds one too many times. I don't think I remember seeing as much coverage or as many people being affected by the passing of a celebrity. Possibly Michael. David Bowie was a rare one indeed. Unnatural, yet alluring. Otherworldly and still somehow down-to-earth. If you've ever felt like an outsider, if your personality ranges from slightly eccentric to downright unusual, if you have a fondness for the flamboyant, or if you're just into fantasy movies, there's a Bowie for you. Hell, there's a Bowie inside of all of us. That untamed, unnatural side of us that we keep hidden out of fear of rejection. This we must never tame. Own it, like Bowie did. And with the loss of Bowie it seemed liked so many of the artistically inspired decided, "well what's the point anymore?" 2016 alone has seen the loss of Glenn Frey, a founding Eagles member; Natalie Cole, a classic R&B artist; Abe Vigoda, legendary actor and Conan O'Brien regular; Harper Lee, Pulitzer Prize winning author of To Kill a Mockingbird; Alan Rickman, or more widely known as Severus Snape and Hans Gruber from the Harry Potter and Die Hard films, respectively (whatever you know him as just know that by Grabthar's hammer, he shall avenged); and the latest tragic loss in a tsunami of tragic losses: Pfife Dawg, a wildly underrated member of the influential hip hop collective: A Tribe Called Quest. The gravity of these losses is enough to leave a massive hole inside of our being, but the great thing about stars is even after they're gone you can still see their light.

The Lasting Action Hero

Hey there! Are you ready for a good time? Then don’t read this and go get drunk instead. If you want to know my absolutely correct thoughts about action stars, then read on! So let’s cut the chit chat, at least until later. You seem pretty cool and we should get to know each other better.

So here we go:

   
      1)      Arnold Schwarzenegger

I don’t think this needs an explanation, but if it does:

Those pecs could murder your family and you wouldn’t be that upset. Not that you could stop it anyway.

LOOK at this guy. The dude was born to be an action star. If there is a God, he created Arnold just to watch him shoot people and blow shit up all the while delivering glorious one liners. I’m pretty damn sure Arnold created the action movie one liner. “Get to the choppa!!!!”, “If it bleeds we can kill it.”, “Here is Sub-Zero! Now, plain Zero!” I mean he threw a fucking pipe through a guy, piercing a steam pipe behind him, and then said “Let off some steam, Bennett”. Imagine Gerard Butler trying to pull that off. You’d laugh your way out of the theater. When Arnold says it, your dick grows half an inch (this includes women).  This dude was the baddest motherfucker in a movie full of bad motherfuckers. The movie in reference is, of course, Predator. That movie was so manly you can still smell the testosterone almost three decades later. He was in, arguably, the greatest action movie of all time: Terminator 2. He kicked ass in the movie business for thirty years, and then became the governor of the biggest state in America! And he married a fucking Kennedy! He’s American royalty! The amazing part is none of this should have happened. No movie studio exec today would take a chance on a foreign bodybuilder who is as intelligible as me after a bottle of whiskey and a fistful of Valium. Arnold is truly one of a kind, and helped create the blockbuster summer action movie.  As cliché of an answer this is, it’s the right one. There will never be another Arnold.

Notable Movies: Terminator 1 and 2, Predator, Conan the Barbarian, Commando, Total Recall, True Lies (a really underrated movie and I watched that Jamie Lee Curtis strip scene way too much as a kid).

Memorable moments:

If you didn’t tear up a bit during this scene, then fuck you (not really, like I said, you seem pretty cool).

The Breakdown:

Physicality	10+
Charisma	9
Stunts	5
Acting	5
Memorable Performances	10
Public Persona	10+
	49++

2)      Tom Cruise

Look, the guy may be a loon, but goddamn if he doesn’t bring 110 percent to all of his movies.  He’s been bringing the heat since the 80’s and has never let up. I don’t think Tom understands how to let up.

Seen here holding onto the side of a plane at age fifty fucking three. The guy has no off switch.

His legendary stunt work, huge box office numbers (I don’t have the exact numbers, but his movies have made upwards of eleventy billion dollars), not to mention being a pretty solid actor, Tom is pretty much the total package. I imagine twenty five years from now he’ll still be in bitching action movies, hanging off the Eifel Tower with one hand and running as hard as he can at all times.

Tom pictured in the year 2040. He had a fifteen minute break and needed some exercise.

So why is he not number one, you ask? First, save all questions until the end of the presentation. Don’t be rude.  Second, great as he is, he just doesn’t quite have that certain je ne sais quoi that Arnold has. And sure, he’ll do a goddamn handstand on the Burj Khalifa (older, taller brother of Wiz Khalifa, and the disappointed father of Mia Khalifa), but then be the wimpiest non-Twilight vampire in movie history. Also, scientology.
                             

Tom showing Oprah how he typically sits on a couch. Again, this man has no off switch.

Notable Movies: Top Gun, Mission Impossible 1-5, Edge of Tomorrow, Collateral, Days of Thunder (fuck it, I like that movie).

Memorable moments: Here’s the weak link in the otherwise strong chain that is Tom’s career. He doesn’t have that “scene” in a movie that sticks with you forever (maybe “You can’t handle the truth!” or “Show me the money!”…scenes from decidedly non-action movies).  He’s a great actor…but still. And that’s the Cruise problem: instead of having an hasta la vista moment, most people will remember him jumping on Oprah’s couch. And in their defense, that was really fucking funny. But…just in case you need reminding that Tom is a bona fide action star, refer to the first picture I used. He’s not number one, but number two is a hell of an accomplishment.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	8
Charisma	8
Stunts	10+
Acting	9
Memorable Performances	6
Public Persona	7
	48++

 3)      Kurt Russell

Let me make it clear, Kurt Russell is the fucking man. You know it, I know it, and it’s not up for debate. He’s the man.

Pictured: the fucking man. This pictured is used as testosterone replacement therapy by some doctors.

Kurt Russell starred in three of the greatest action movies from the Eighties: Escape from New York, The Thing, and Big Trouble in Little China. That’s a hell of an action trifecta (Snake Plissken was the inspiration for Snake in the legendary Metal Gear video game/everlasting cut scene series). If you close your eyes and picture gruff bad ass, Kurt Russell is what you see. If the only movie he made was the Thing he’d deserve a top ten mention in any action star discussion.  I mean, the Thing is is a perfect movie, and fuck that stupid prequel.

“Yes, I can put a new and creative spin on an iconic movie”-said by a stupid fucking director.

Kurt Russell’s action career is more about quality than quantity. Actors lower on this list have been in twice as many action movies, but half as memorable. He’s also shown solid diversity. He was Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. Try and picture Arnold in a western. Actually, don’t. That sounds fucking terrible. And I loved him in Deathproof, which outside of his acting and excellent car chases (and that kick-ass Australian chick), was a pretty mediocre Tarantino flick. Kurt could be in the next Expendables and would be the baddest man in the cast. Fuck outta here, Jason Statham. Go get Kurt a cup of coffee and stay out of the way. Also, supposedly Walt Disney’s last words before dying were “Kurt Russell”. That’s pretty badass too.

Notable Movies: The Thing, Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Tombstone, Deathproof

Memorable Moments: Just go watch the Thing and get back with me.

I may be an alien infected, disemboweled monster, but I give the Thing 10/10. Would watch again.

Kurt Russell is the quintessential scruffy anti-hero that you wish you were. But you’re not. And you can’t and won’t be, because with Kurt Russell, there are no imitations, and accept no substitutes.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	7
Charisma	9
Stunts	6
Acting	8
Memorable Performances	10+
Public Persona	7
	47+

\     4)      Sylvester Stallone

I’ll open with a preface: I’m not a huge of fan Sly. I don’t know why, but there ya go. Theoretically, he could be second place on this list. The dude has pumped out a shitload of action movies, is the most jacked actor this side of Arnold, and has some truly iconic roles. He also talks like someone hit him with a shovel ten seconds before the director said action.

This movie single handedly tore down the Berlin Wall, over-acted punch by over-acted punch.

Stallone is another action star known for doing his own stunts. This confuses me, because I thought that was the only reason Frank Stallone had a career. Whenever a scene required Sly to be thrown down a flight of stairs, you gave Frank a call and then threw his ass down those stairs. But I digress. The Rocky movies (well, the first four) and Rambo are action movie classics. Not to mention he made a quasi-action movie about arm wrestling. ARM WRESTLING. I mean you have to give credit where credit is due, and the man owned the 80’s to mid 90’s.

And you know what he won for all that arm wrasslin? A semi-truck. Yes, a semi-truck. The 80’s were hilarious.

I haven’t even mentioned his 90’s movies. Demolition Man is the 90’s-ist movie that ever 90’sed. It’s predictions about the future are ridiculous (seriously, what the fuck was the deal with the three sea shells? Do you scrape your ass with one of the shells and use the other two to clean up the unspeakable mess you made?) That movie also starred Wesley Snipes (more on him later), who is killed by being frozen with liquid nitrogen and then shattered. Fantastic. Not to mention Judge Dredd, Cliffhanger, and the new Rambo movies. I may have an unexplainable distaste for Sly, but there is no denying his place in action movie history. He might be the Thomas Jefferson on my Mount Rushmore of action stars, but he still makes it. Not bad.

Notable Movies: Rocky I-IV, Rambo, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, Judge Dredd, Expendables

Memorable Moments: I can’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure Stallone invented the training montage. That alone puts him up there in action movie iconography. Eye of the Tiger, my friends.

You better run faster, I’m gonna tickle you!!!

The Breakdown:

Physicality	9
Charisma	7
Stunts	7
Acting	6
Memorable Performances	10
Public Persona	7
	46

 5)      Keanu Reeves

So, Keanu in my top five? Yep, Keanu in my top five. He’s a guy that you don’t think of when you think action star. But the proof is in the pudding, and this pudding is made of bullet holes and shattered skulls. Sadly, the stink bomb of the Matrix sequels has wafted into our memory of the first Matrix, making us forget how rad that movie is. It’s an action classic, damn it. There was nothing like it when it came out, and other action directors fucked that horse all they could. For years, it was bullet time, bullet time, bullet time.

Bullet time!

And Keanu gets shit on for his acting, but I’ll say it: He’s not a bad actor. He’s not winning an Oscar, but who gives a shit. This isn’t a list of Oscar winners.  Keanu has to be used like a tool. You don’t use a screw driver to hammer a nail. Likewise, Keanu shouldn’t be tasked with playing Abraham Lincoln. Leave that to shoe cobblers. Keanu is a hammer; give him a box of nails, and he’ll punch them in the fucking face. I mean, really, can you picture anyone else as Neo?

Only a guy named Keanu could play a character named Neo.

And I haven’t mentioned his other roles. Even without the Matrix, he makes a decent argument for top ten. With the Matrix, he’s top five. He’s not the greatest actor to walk the Earth (cough, Leslie Nielson, cough), or the most bad ass of the bunch; but sometimes, you just need a hammer for the job. And Keanu is that hammer. You just have to be able to appreciate the beauty of a hammer.

Notable Movies: The Matrix, Speed, Constantine, John Wick, Point Break

Memorable moments: My list skew towards having great roles (that’s why I couldn’t put ol’ Tom in first place), but you can’t separate an actor from iconic roles. Sometimes that dooms them to being typecast, and sometimes it makes you realize exactly what you like about that actor. That is Keanu in the Matrix. And not for nothing, I guess Keanu learned karate for this movie and was super serious about it.  Challenge him to a fight at your own risk.

Seen here jumping a bus. Do you really want to question this man’s credentials?

The Breakdown:

Physicality	6
Charisma	7
Stunts	7
Acting	6
Memorable Performances	9
Public Persona	8
	43

 6)      Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan, a slapstick comedian moonlighting as an action star, has produced the best stunt work of the past twenty years. Or maybe ever. I majored in Taco Theory, not Stuntman History, so I can’t say he’s the best ever. But only Jackie Chan could use a ladder to take out a roomful of goons and make it look believable. He’s the MacGuyver of action. Give him a paper clip, a cigarette, and an apple core and he could take out the Secret Service.

Pictured: Believable

Notable Movies: Legend of Drunken Master, Rumble in the Bronx, Rush Hour 1-3, Supercop

Memorable Moments: His stunt work speaks for itself. The Drunken Master is the height of choreographed fighting.  And while a lot of his movies have that lost in translation feel (those wacky foreigners), you can’t argue with the action. He’s the greatest karate star not named Bruce. Whether arguing with Chris Tucker about the strength of Chinese bamboo, or (for fucking real) dragging his body across scalding hot coals, Jackie Chan kicked ass. And ass kicking is the universal language, never lost in translation.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	7
Charisma	7
Stunts	10+
Acting	4
Memorable Performances	6
Public Persona	5
	39+

7)      Harrison Ford

Ah, Harrison Ford. The old Fordster.  Harry “Harrison” Ford.  Honestly, I don’t have a strong, beautifully articulate argument for him like my other masterpieces above. Thankfully, I don’t need one, because: Indiana Jones. And Han Solo. I could end this paragraph right there, and that would be that. But let’s pretend that those movies never existed, and you still have a halfway decent action resume. If Hollywood wrote a movie about the President’s daughter/plane/dog being kidnapped, they gave Harrison a blank check and a turkey bag of weed and watched the profits roll in. He might even be ranked higher, but I refuse to see a man over fifty wear an earring and let that slide. He needs to know the truth; I’m doing him a favor.

Harrison, please take that thing out. You’re Indiana Jones. You’re cool, don’t worry.

Notable Movies: Indiana Jones, Star Wars, The Fugitive, 90’s Blockbuster cannon fodder.

Memorable Moments: I mean, this guy is involved in debatably the most famous movies in history, so take your pick. But I’ll never forget that nefarious one armed man. Or you know, casually jumping five hundred feet off a huge dam and somehow surviving. Somehow, it makes sense, about Harrison Ford: don’t question the how, or the why; just enjoy ride.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	5
Charisma	6
Stunts	5
Acting	6
Memorable Performances	10
Public Persona	7
	39

  8)      Mel Gibson

Listen here, sugar tits, Mel Gibson is an action star. He may also be a crazy fundamentalist who hates Jews (hell, he made a movie where he tortures the King of Jews for two hours. Subtle). But enough pleasantries, let’s talk about the facts: Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.  Mel Gibson is also probably the biggest crossover star on this list. Heres a question: what do women want? Answer: Mel Gibson being electrocuted in a bath tub. Dude was an absolute A-lister until his career was torpedoed harder than a German U-boat. If he wasn’t such an asshole, we’d all be eagerly awaiting Lethal Weapon 7: Not Too Old for this Shit. Also, the hair:

Seen here, unable to remove the family of raccoons nesting in his hair.

Notable Movies: Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, The Patriot

Memorable Moments: He’s been a punch line for years now, but the man made some absolutely excellent action movies. He was the prototypical Hollywood “leading man”, a plug and play actor if you needed someone who doesn’t give a damn about your rules. You can have my badge and gun, Chief, but I’ll still catch that terrorist, come hell or high water. Mel in a nutshell: high water classics, or rotting in hell.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	7
Charisma	7
Stunts	6
Acting	7
Memorable Performances	8
Public Persona	0
	35

    9)      Jean-Claude Van Damme

 I’ll just leave this here. No need for further explanation.

***

Alrighty, ladies and gentlemen, my laziness has caught up with me. I will no longer have any explanations for the rest of my rankings. I know that saddens your hearts that our time is ending, but don’t worry.  Just remember, whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I’ll think of Lowenstein.

10) Nic Cage: I’m Castor Troy! Whooooo!

11) Wesley Snipes: great action star. Terrible basketball player. Go watch White Men Can’t Jump.

Honorable Mentions (in no particular order):

The Rock: sooo close; in five years who knows.

Charlize Theron: Mad Max: Fury Road. The End

Bruce Lee: Died too soon

Tom Hardy: See Charlize Theron. Also: Batman. And sooo dreamy.

Christopher Lee: Would you leave this man off your list?

Bruce Willis: Yippie ki-yay melon farmer. I would also accept yippie ki-yay Mr. Falcon

Patrick Swayze: Let’s rip some throats.

……

Above the babies from Baby Geniuses, but below Air Bud: Steven Seagal.

……

If you disagree with anything, go ahead and argue if you enjoy being wrong.  And if that’s not enough; a round robin of Greco-Roman wrestling should solve any disagreements.