The Lasting Action Hero

Hey there! Are you ready for a good time? Then don’t read this and go get drunk instead. If you want to know my absolutely correct thoughts about action stars, then read on! So let’s cut the chit chat, at least until later. You seem pretty cool and we should get to know each other better.

So here we go:

   
      1)      Arnold Schwarzenegger

I don’t think this needs an explanation, but if it does:

Those pecs could murder your family and you wouldn’t be that upset. Not that you could stop it anyway.

LOOK at this guy. The dude was born to be an action star. If there is a God, he created Arnold just to watch him shoot people and blow shit up all the while delivering glorious one liners. I’m pretty damn sure Arnold created the action movie one liner. “Get to the choppa!!!!”, “If it bleeds we can kill it.”, “Here is Sub-Zero! Now, plain Zero!” I mean he threw a fucking pipe through a guy, piercing a steam pipe behind him, and then said “Let off some steam, Bennett”. Imagine Gerard Butler trying to pull that off. You’d laugh your way out of the theater. When Arnold says it, your dick grows half an inch (this includes women).  This dude was the baddest motherfucker in a movie full of bad motherfuckers. The movie in reference is, of course, Predator. That movie was so manly you can still smell the testosterone almost three decades later. He was in, arguably, the greatest action movie of all time: Terminator 2. He kicked ass in the movie business for thirty years, and then became the governor of the biggest state in America! And he married a fucking Kennedy! He’s American royalty! The amazing part is none of this should have happened. No movie studio exec today would take a chance on a foreign bodybuilder who is as intelligible as me after a bottle of whiskey and a fistful of Valium. Arnold is truly one of a kind, and helped create the blockbuster summer action movie.  As cliché of an answer this is, it’s the right one. There will never be another Arnold.

Notable Movies: Terminator 1 and 2, Predator, Conan the Barbarian, Commando, Total Recall, True Lies (a really underrated movie and I watched that Jamie Lee Curtis strip scene way too much as a kid).

Memorable moments:

If you didn’t tear up a bit during this scene, then fuck you (not really, like I said, you seem pretty cool).

The Breakdown:

Physicality	10+
Charisma	9
Stunts	5
Acting	5
Memorable Performances	10
Public Persona	10+
	49++

2)      Tom Cruise

Look, the guy may be a loon, but goddamn if he doesn’t bring 110 percent to all of his movies.  He’s been bringing the heat since the 80’s and has never let up. I don’t think Tom understands how to let up.

Seen here holding onto the side of a plane at age fifty fucking three. The guy has no off switch.

His legendary stunt work, huge box office numbers (I don’t have the exact numbers, but his movies have made upwards of eleventy billion dollars), not to mention being a pretty solid actor, Tom is pretty much the total package. I imagine twenty five years from now he’ll still be in bitching action movies, hanging off the Eifel Tower with one hand and running as hard as he can at all times.

Tom pictured in the year 2040. He had a fifteen minute break and needed some exercise.

So why is he not number one, you ask? First, save all questions until the end of the presentation. Don’t be rude.  Second, great as he is, he just doesn’t quite have that certain je ne sais quoi that Arnold has. And sure, he’ll do a goddamn handstand on the Burj Khalifa (older, taller brother of Wiz Khalifa, and the disappointed father of Mia Khalifa), but then be the wimpiest non-Twilight vampire in movie history. Also, scientology.
                             

Tom showing Oprah how he typically sits on a couch. Again, this man has no off switch.

Notable Movies: Top Gun, Mission Impossible 1-5, Edge of Tomorrow, Collateral, Days of Thunder (fuck it, I like that movie).

Memorable moments: Here’s the weak link in the otherwise strong chain that is Tom’s career. He doesn’t have that “scene” in a movie that sticks with you forever (maybe “You can’t handle the truth!” or “Show me the money!”…scenes from decidedly non-action movies).  He’s a great actor…but still. And that’s the Cruise problem: instead of having an hasta la vista moment, most people will remember him jumping on Oprah’s couch. And in their defense, that was really fucking funny. But…just in case you need reminding that Tom is a bona fide action star, refer to the first picture I used. He’s not number one, but number two is a hell of an accomplishment.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	8
Charisma	8
Stunts	10+
Acting	9
Memorable Performances	6
Public Persona	7
	48++

 3)      Kurt Russell

Let me make it clear, Kurt Russell is the fucking man. You know it, I know it, and it’s not up for debate. He’s the man.

Pictured: the fucking man. This pictured is used as testosterone replacement therapy by some doctors.

Kurt Russell starred in three of the greatest action movies from the Eighties: Escape from New York, The Thing, and Big Trouble in Little China. That’s a hell of an action trifecta (Snake Plissken was the inspiration for Snake in the legendary Metal Gear video game/everlasting cut scene series). If you close your eyes and picture gruff bad ass, Kurt Russell is what you see. If the only movie he made was the Thing he’d deserve a top ten mention in any action star discussion.  I mean, the Thing is is a perfect movie, and fuck that stupid prequel.

“Yes, I can put a new and creative spin on an iconic movie”-said by a stupid fucking director.

Kurt Russell’s action career is more about quality than quantity. Actors lower on this list have been in twice as many action movies, but half as memorable. He’s also shown solid diversity. He was Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. Try and picture Arnold in a western. Actually, don’t. That sounds fucking terrible. And I loved him in Deathproof, which outside of his acting and excellent car chases (and that kick-ass Australian chick), was a pretty mediocre Tarantino flick. Kurt could be in the next Expendables and would be the baddest man in the cast. Fuck outta here, Jason Statham. Go get Kurt a cup of coffee and stay out of the way. Also, supposedly Walt Disney’s last words before dying were “Kurt Russell”. That’s pretty badass too.

Notable Movies: The Thing, Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Tombstone, Deathproof

Memorable Moments: Just go watch the Thing and get back with me.

I may be an alien infected, disemboweled monster, but I give the Thing 10/10. Would watch again.

Kurt Russell is the quintessential scruffy anti-hero that you wish you were. But you’re not. And you can’t and won’t be, because with Kurt Russell, there are no imitations, and accept no substitutes.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	7
Charisma	9
Stunts	6
Acting	8
Memorable Performances	10+
Public Persona	7
	47+

\     4)      Sylvester Stallone

I’ll open with a preface: I’m not a huge of fan Sly. I don’t know why, but there ya go. Theoretically, he could be second place on this list. The dude has pumped out a shitload of action movies, is the most jacked actor this side of Arnold, and has some truly iconic roles. He also talks like someone hit him with a shovel ten seconds before the director said action.

This movie single handedly tore down the Berlin Wall, over-acted punch by over-acted punch.

Stallone is another action star known for doing his own stunts. This confuses me, because I thought that was the only reason Frank Stallone had a career. Whenever a scene required Sly to be thrown down a flight of stairs, you gave Frank a call and then threw his ass down those stairs. But I digress. The Rocky movies (well, the first four) and Rambo are action movie classics. Not to mention he made a quasi-action movie about arm wrestling. ARM WRESTLING. I mean you have to give credit where credit is due, and the man owned the 80’s to mid 90’s.

And you know what he won for all that arm wrasslin? A semi-truck. Yes, a semi-truck. The 80’s were hilarious.

I haven’t even mentioned his 90’s movies. Demolition Man is the 90’s-ist movie that ever 90’sed. It’s predictions about the future are ridiculous (seriously, what the fuck was the deal with the three sea shells? Do you scrape your ass with one of the shells and use the other two to clean up the unspeakable mess you made?) That movie also starred Wesley Snipes (more on him later), who is killed by being frozen with liquid nitrogen and then shattered. Fantastic. Not to mention Judge Dredd, Cliffhanger, and the new Rambo movies. I may have an unexplainable distaste for Sly, but there is no denying his place in action movie history. He might be the Thomas Jefferson on my Mount Rushmore of action stars, but he still makes it. Not bad.

Notable Movies: Rocky I-IV, Rambo, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, Judge Dredd, Expendables

Memorable Moments: I can’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure Stallone invented the training montage. That alone puts him up there in action movie iconography. Eye of the Tiger, my friends.

You better run faster, I’m gonna tickle you!!!

The Breakdown:

Physicality	9
Charisma	7
Stunts	7
Acting	6
Memorable Performances	10
Public Persona	7
	46

 5)      Keanu Reeves

So, Keanu in my top five? Yep, Keanu in my top five. He’s a guy that you don’t think of when you think action star. But the proof is in the pudding, and this pudding is made of bullet holes and shattered skulls. Sadly, the stink bomb of the Matrix sequels has wafted into our memory of the first Matrix, making us forget how rad that movie is. It’s an action classic, damn it. There was nothing like it when it came out, and other action directors fucked that horse all they could. For years, it was bullet time, bullet time, bullet time.

Bullet time!

And Keanu gets shit on for his acting, but I’ll say it: He’s not a bad actor. He’s not winning an Oscar, but who gives a shit. This isn’t a list of Oscar winners.  Keanu has to be used like a tool. You don’t use a screw driver to hammer a nail. Likewise, Keanu shouldn’t be tasked with playing Abraham Lincoln. Leave that to shoe cobblers. Keanu is a hammer; give him a box of nails, and he’ll punch them in the fucking face. I mean, really, can you picture anyone else as Neo?

Only a guy named Keanu could play a character named Neo.

And I haven’t mentioned his other roles. Even without the Matrix, he makes a decent argument for top ten. With the Matrix, he’s top five. He’s not the greatest actor to walk the Earth (cough, Leslie Nielson, cough), or the most bad ass of the bunch; but sometimes, you just need a hammer for the job. And Keanu is that hammer. You just have to be able to appreciate the beauty of a hammer.

Notable Movies: The Matrix, Speed, Constantine, John Wick, Point Break

Memorable moments: My list skew towards having great roles (that’s why I couldn’t put ol’ Tom in first place), but you can’t separate an actor from iconic roles. Sometimes that dooms them to being typecast, and sometimes it makes you realize exactly what you like about that actor. That is Keanu in the Matrix. And not for nothing, I guess Keanu learned karate for this movie and was super serious about it.  Challenge him to a fight at your own risk.

Seen here jumping a bus. Do you really want to question this man’s credentials?

The Breakdown:

Physicality	6
Charisma	7
Stunts	7
Acting	6
Memorable Performances	9
Public Persona	8
	43

 6)      Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan, a slapstick comedian moonlighting as an action star, has produced the best stunt work of the past twenty years. Or maybe ever. I majored in Taco Theory, not Stuntman History, so I can’t say he’s the best ever. But only Jackie Chan could use a ladder to take out a roomful of goons and make it look believable. He’s the MacGuyver of action. Give him a paper clip, a cigarette, and an apple core and he could take out the Secret Service.

Pictured: Believable

Notable Movies: Legend of Drunken Master, Rumble in the Bronx, Rush Hour 1-3, Supercop

Memorable Moments: His stunt work speaks for itself. The Drunken Master is the height of choreographed fighting.  And while a lot of his movies have that lost in translation feel (those wacky foreigners), you can’t argue with the action. He’s the greatest karate star not named Bruce. Whether arguing with Chris Tucker about the strength of Chinese bamboo, or (for fucking real) dragging his body across scalding hot coals, Jackie Chan kicked ass. And ass kicking is the universal language, never lost in translation.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	7
Charisma	7
Stunts	10+
Acting	4
Memorable Performances	6
Public Persona	5
	39+

7)      Harrison Ford

Ah, Harrison Ford. The old Fordster.  Harry “Harrison” Ford.  Honestly, I don’t have a strong, beautifully articulate argument for him like my other masterpieces above. Thankfully, I don’t need one, because: Indiana Jones. And Han Solo. I could end this paragraph right there, and that would be that. But let’s pretend that those movies never existed, and you still have a halfway decent action resume. If Hollywood wrote a movie about the President’s daughter/plane/dog being kidnapped, they gave Harrison a blank check and a turkey bag of weed and watched the profits roll in. He might even be ranked higher, but I refuse to see a man over fifty wear an earring and let that slide. He needs to know the truth; I’m doing him a favor.

Harrison, please take that thing out. You’re Indiana Jones. You’re cool, don’t worry.

Notable Movies: Indiana Jones, Star Wars, The Fugitive, 90’s Blockbuster cannon fodder.

Memorable Moments: I mean, this guy is involved in debatably the most famous movies in history, so take your pick. But I’ll never forget that nefarious one armed man. Or you know, casually jumping five hundred feet off a huge dam and somehow surviving. Somehow, it makes sense, about Harrison Ford: don’t question the how, or the why; just enjoy ride.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	5
Charisma	6
Stunts	5
Acting	6
Memorable Performances	10
Public Persona	7
	39

  8)      Mel Gibson

Listen here, sugar tits, Mel Gibson is an action star. He may also be a crazy fundamentalist who hates Jews (hell, he made a movie where he tortures the King of Jews for two hours. Subtle). But enough pleasantries, let’s talk about the facts: Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.  Mel Gibson is also probably the biggest crossover star on this list. Heres a question: what do women want? Answer: Mel Gibson being electrocuted in a bath tub. Dude was an absolute A-lister until his career was torpedoed harder than a German U-boat. If he wasn’t such an asshole, we’d all be eagerly awaiting Lethal Weapon 7: Not Too Old for this Shit. Also, the hair:

Seen here, unable to remove the family of raccoons nesting in his hair.

Notable Movies: Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, The Patriot

Memorable Moments: He’s been a punch line for years now, but the man made some absolutely excellent action movies. He was the prototypical Hollywood “leading man”, a plug and play actor if you needed someone who doesn’t give a damn about your rules. You can have my badge and gun, Chief, but I’ll still catch that terrorist, come hell or high water. Mel in a nutshell: high water classics, or rotting in hell.

The Breakdown:

Physicality	7
Charisma	7
Stunts	6
Acting	7
Memorable Performances	8
Public Persona	0
	35

    9)      Jean-Claude Van Damme

 I’ll just leave this here. No need for further explanation.

***

Alrighty, ladies and gentlemen, my laziness has caught up with me. I will no longer have any explanations for the rest of my rankings. I know that saddens your hearts that our time is ending, but don’t worry.  Just remember, whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I’ll think of Lowenstein.

10) Nic Cage: I’m Castor Troy! Whooooo!

11) Wesley Snipes: great action star. Terrible basketball player. Go watch White Men Can’t Jump.

Honorable Mentions (in no particular order):

The Rock: sooo close; in five years who knows.

Charlize Theron: Mad Max: Fury Road. The End

Bruce Lee: Died too soon

Tom Hardy: See Charlize Theron. Also: Batman. And sooo dreamy.

Christopher Lee: Would you leave this man off your list?

Bruce Willis: Yippie ki-yay melon farmer. I would also accept yippie ki-yay Mr. Falcon

Patrick Swayze: Let’s rip some throats.

……

Above the babies from Baby Geniuses, but below Air Bud: Steven Seagal.

……

If you disagree with anything, go ahead and argue if you enjoy being wrong.  And if that’s not enough; a round robin of Greco-Roman wrestling should solve any disagreements.